thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
