I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
