I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
