seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
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I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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