Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
