When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
