My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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