i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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