just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
