Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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