turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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