sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
