Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
