Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
