So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
