I wish I could teleport
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
