Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
