i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
