And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
