I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
