My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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