the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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