You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
