Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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