She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Sorry my hands just texted you
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
