Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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