i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
two words...techno handjob
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
