I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Randomize
