don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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