I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just want to make out with him forever
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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