I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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