you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Ladies don't puke and tell
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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