I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
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