my phone needs a breathalizer
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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