woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
