We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
