Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
