I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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