Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
