there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
