walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Drake has all the answers
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
