i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
