I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
