Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
