you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize