Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
