I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
