fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize