mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
