By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
