worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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