Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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