You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
