I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
