just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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