Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
