yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
